I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
