Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
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So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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