8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
