so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
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There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
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Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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