Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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