my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
