eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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