Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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