What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
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I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
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He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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