Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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