I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
two words...techno handjob
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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