Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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