Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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