There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
