Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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