Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
