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you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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