We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Someone stole a lamp last night.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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