i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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