Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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