im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
