just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
