I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
