Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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