Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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