Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
4 words: hood of his car
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
