Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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