Tell her she can't have a vagina
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
