i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.