before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
