I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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