Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
