If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
