After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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