Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
