When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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