yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
