FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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