well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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