I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
