I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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