Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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