hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
