when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
