with your own penis?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
