I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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