I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
