Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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