Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
