Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
