if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
