I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
