if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
