Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize