is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
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