So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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